Job Posting

Professional mourner wanted. Personal experience required.

Preference given to applicants who have experienced loss

of child to drowning (at sea, in the community pool, in a flash

flood—swept from her mother’s arms), loss of parent to prolonged illness,

loss of friend to fall: into crevasse, from bicycle, from balcony,

from cliff (accidental or otherwise), loss of friend to death

by misadventure. Preceding list illustrative; applicants must specify

nature of their loss. Applicants relying on loss of objects,

including objects of great sentimental or monetary value,

ineligible for preference.

Must be capable of mourning for one human,

aggregations of humans, as well as other species. Must

be capable of metabolizing others’ grief. Must

demonstrate knowledge of genocides and ability to identify and define

other -cides: eco-, sui-, patri-, matri-, fratri-, and the lesser known, sororicide,

incl. historical examples. Familiarity with mass shootings in schools and houses

of worship, on dance floors, other atrocities generally, including, but not

limited to: death during the Middle Passage, by mustard gas, in childbirth, in

the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire, by lethal injection, under interrogation, after

a traffic stop, while sleeping (the last frame of a dream gone black), required.

Familiarity with the persistence of plagues throughout human history, helpful.

We do not discriminate on the basis of race, color,

gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, national origin,

or marital status. We take into account the age of the applicant.

Child labor laws apply. Prior experience with wasting disease

(esp. death of children from malnutrition), a plus.

Must not be inured to death. Must experience each death

as the first (trait rare in humans—applicants will be tested).

Must possess ability to adapt to emotional tone of wakes, burials, other

Practices and proceedings, an emotional chameleon.

Belief in an afterlife not a prerequisite, and may be disqualifying.

Skepticism of belief in an afterlife, useful; nevertheless, respect

for rituals of mourning of all creeds, required.

Will be asked whether you are indentured to earth in all its realms.

Atheists, agnostics, humanists and pantheists encouraged to apply.

Knowledge of habitat loss, extinction of species

caused by human activity, and the calving of glaciers,

required. Must possess vocal range: for spontaneous sobs, weeping, but

sotto voce. Histrionics discouraged. However, wailing,

howling, gnashing of teeth, ululation, may be required.

Dark business suit required. Rending of garments optional. Must provide

your own stones in Jewish cemeteries. In certain extraordinary circumstances, 

willingness to be entombed with decedent (primarily Egypt, First Dynasty).

Willingness to scatter ashes, willingness to gather handful of dirt, contemplate

beauty of earth, finality of death. Responsibilities may include

expressing sympathy to strangers for their loss and, if appropriate,

regaling strangers with humorous anecdotes regarding decedent's foibles,

bearing in mind the pathos, even the anguish, of the occasion

(though you recall the laughter you heard at a child's wake—sixty years ago—

when you, yourself, were a child, and puzzled).

Mastery of full repertoire of platitudes and euphemisms.

Sensitivity to disdain for platitudes and euphemisms. Supportive of choice

of open caskets, see, e.g., Emmett Till. While not on assignment,

encouraged to pursue happiness, experience joy. Whistling at work

discouraged. Job necessitates ability to distinguish between the loss

experienced by survivors and the loss experienced by decedent, i.e.,

survivors have lost decedent, decedent has lost all. Applications

reviewed on a rolling basis. There is no application deadline.